New Year's Eve

I Love this quote...
We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives... not looking for flaws, but for potential. ~Ellen Goodman

Every New Year's eve my husband and I go out to dinner. Just the two of us. We relax and talk about the past year. All the good things...and the bad. Then we talk about what we would like to see the new year bring. Things we'd like to do, places to go, hopes and dreams.

I honestly can't remember the last time I stayed up for midnight, but so enjoy waking up in the morning to a quiet house and the feeling of starting anew.

It has been a tough year for me. The first half seemingly consumed by things in my life emotionally. The toughest for my marriage. The second half more a physical strain with the injury to my back, nerve damage to my leg and foot and my excessive weight gain.

So, yes, I am looking forward to "starting new". A new beginning..... What a concept,so simple really. The ability to just begin again. What my guides have told me time and time again....."Start where you are".

Here... is where I am.

Toughest Things First

I have been mulling it over the last few days as to how to go about these four stepping stones. Which one to tackle first or rather work on all of them at the same time. I am a list person. I love lists. I love to see a list that has been completed and feel accomplishment. My husband laughs at me because if I do something that is not on the list I will add it just to cross it out.

I have found, though, that for me it is much easier to find the thing on the list that is either the hardest or least desirable and I try to do that thing first. Once that one is done the rest is more of a pleasure and I find that the list goes quicker. I don't have that thing hanging over my head still to do.

Of these stepping stones, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual, which is the most difficult for me? Definitely right now the physical one is the one I dread the most. So there it is, where I will begin.

Four Stones

I take another step forward. Four stones appear. They are both similar and distinctly different.

The first stone I step on has a very large, deep crack running through it. It also has quite a few more lines that vary in depth. I am told that this is my physical stone. The cracks are injuries and illnesses I have had. The big crack is my back at this time.

The second stone has many lines and two big holes. This, is my emotional stone. The holes are from losing my Mom and not having had children. The lines are things that have hurt or disturbed me.

The third stone reminds me of a road map. Many lines going every which way in varying widths and depths. These, I am told, are my thoughts.

The last stone, although there are many lines, is smooth. It is explained to me that this is my spiritual stone. I have had the opportunity to freely explore different thoughts, theories and religions. I have my own belief system that is a wonderful combination of all of these. The stone is smooth because here, I feel settled.

Faith

On the stepping stone and thinking.....

Many years ago I was babysitting a five year old little girl and her ten month old brother. I had promised that I would play any game she wanted as soon as I had gotten her brother to bed. She chose Candyland. I believe we had played about eight games in which she had won every one! When I asked her about this, she looked at me with her beautiful big brown eyes in all honesty and said "I asked God for all the right cards". She then told me that I should give it a try, and so I did. Wouldn't you know, I won the next game? I also lost the last three. Time for bed! I have always remembered that evening. What a lesson. The faith of that little girl.

Martin Luther King, Jr. once said, "Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase".

How complicated, untrusting and closed minded we have become. Seemingly always having to concern ourselves with what "angle" someone is coming from. I really don't like thinking like that, but what other choice is there? After hurting my back, I went to two different doctors for their opinions. When I got to one of the offices there was the usual stack of paperwork to fill out before being seen. Three different places on these forms for this one doctor I was asked who my attorney was. How sad.

I feel more comfortable putting my faith in the unknown of the spiritual world rather than the human world. It maybe unknown, but I know what I'm getting.

Beginning To See

It has been a few days. Normally I am already feeling stressed with the holiday hustle and bustle. Gotta get this done. Gotta mail that, go here, be there.... Not so much this year. I guess I attribute it to a couple of things.

First would be my back. Having hurt it earlier this year, there are things that I would normally do, but am not this year. Things like totally transforming my home into a Christmas wonderland. Every room has a different theme like santas, snowmen, music boxes etc. Although I am missing the changes and lights, I'm not missing the work. Especially the trips up and down the stairs. We also didn't have the normal party here. I miss the people. It was always a good time, just had to say no this year.

Secondly, I am almost done with the shopping and running around and it's only December 6th!! That, in and of itself, is a wonderful thing for me. I have a few more things to bake and a few more things to wrap and mail and I am done.

I do feel, however, the absolute most important change in my feelings is indeed the fact that I now recognize all of that baggage that I no longer feel I need to carry around. I feel more at peace....lighter, if you will. I am now better able to focus on and accomplish things seemingly without stress.

It seems as though I was carrying a lifetime of hurts, emotions, losses and bad memories. These things I now realize were not helping me get to where I want to go, but holding me back. I was confused in the fact that I believed that I needed to carry all of these things from one step of my journey to the next in order to learn from them. This is so not true. Instead the lesson has been to step away with the experience and lessons only, not the burdens.

There are but three things that I still feel that I can't lay down right now. Maybe because I haven't learned these lessons yet. They are the issues with my back, my weight and my short term memory loss lately. I am in hopes that the memory thing is just an effect of the medication and will improve now that I have stopped taking that particular drug. The others I guess I'll just have to wait until the next stepping stone becomes available. Until then...

It Eludes Me Still

I guess that for the most part, other than the psychic stuff, I have always been more literal in most cases. I need to see things (which I do psychically most times). This, I'm not quite getting. For whatever reason, it is not sinking in. Oh great, I finally get through the door and am stumped and stopped on the first thing.

"Patience. Now take a step back" I am told. "First word that comes to mind".
Oddly, the word comfortable comes to mind.
"When was the last time you felt this way"?
It's been so long. I can't remember ever feeling this way.
"See what weight the baggage has? See how it clouds things"?
Yes.
"Okay then, let us begin. You are now free. As you look around yourself right now, what do you see"?
Nothing and yet everything. No beginning. No end. Just me, here.
"Exactly! Now expand on this thought".
There is nothing but now. Behind me matters not. Ahead of me is endless, limitless.
"Perfect! Now you can see what things have been clouding your thoughts and weighing you down. These things, as you say, that matter not. Now it is up to you to remember this in your daily life and start living it".`