Angus and me

It's 5:30 pm, 4th of July weekend, 2000. My husband, Fred, has gone to Montauk, NY. to bring his sister back to home to live.
He is on the phone. "I've got a present for you." He then hands the phone over to our niece.
"It has four paws, is black and white, and really cute."
"Okay, cat or dog," I say.
"Cat. Can he keep it?"
"He's a big boy. I told him that the next animal in the house was his choice. Of course he can."

At 8:30pm same evening I called to say goodnight as they will be starting out very early the next morning. Fred gets on the phone. There is some hesitation. Then he just blurts it right out. "Well it needed a buddy!"
"That's fine," I say, "What's it look like?" Off on a rant he goes explaining how cute they are, what colors they are, how they plan on transporting them.

Although we've had the conversation, I hang up really not sure how many kittens are coming to live with us. Man, I love that guy.

Well, I meet them. ALL of them. There’s Fred, my sister-in-law, mother-in-law and the FOUR kittens. Oh, what a relief, two of them are my sister-in-law’s. We go unload the truck and drop everyone off respectively. It was a long, hot trip. The black one doesn't look so well, but recovered well once home, watered, fed and loved.

What to name them? I figure that they are his cats, he should be the one that has to name them. BO and GO? (Black One, Gray One) Can you imagine? Here Go. Go, come. Poor thing… Are they male or female? What are their personalities? And so for quite a few days, they just are. Then he decides. Black one, Angus. Gray one, Ash.

We soon found out that they were both females, but Angus seemed attached to her name by then, so it stuck.

They didn't take long to train us in the way it was going to be around our house. I think we learned well. It was also readily apparent that Ash had attached herself to Fred and Angus to me. They both have very different personalities. They are both very loving. We had discussed it. They are pretty close to being perfect. I'm so glad he brought them home.

It is now April, 2010. I can't imagine not having the two of them. As I sit and hold Angus who has her place up under my neck with her paws and head on my right shoulder, it's quiet in the house. She has taught me so much. I'm not even sure that I can even begin to put it into words, but I feel that I must try. Maybe, once in words, I can start to learn something that has eluded me for as long as I can remember. I must learn to love me, accept myself as Angus loves and accepts me. Can this be done? It honestly scares the hell out of me. Am I worthy? Is that ego and pride talking?

Angus' view, I guess simply put, would be feed me, love me, let me grow. How can I start doing the same for myself? It sounds so simple. But to act on it, I'm not quite so sure.

Okay, one step at a time. Feed me. Just what is it that I wish to be fed? Come on Grey Feather, (my spirit guide) help me out here. Spirituality, self acceptance, open heartedness as well as open mindedness.

Love me. No, it's not ego or pride to love myself. As a matter of fact, it's quite ok. It's not selfish to go do or not do something that I want to rather than what someone else wants to. Stop with the expectations. Everyone else’s’, that is. Stop and think. Stop and more importantly, I guess, listen. Listen to me. Listen to myself, my needs, as carefully as I listen to Fred's needs. To Angus' needs.

Let me grow. Take the time I need to grow. Read, meditate, find classes to take, friends to be with, learn from.

I am a very lucky woman. I have a very loving, understanding husband who is extremely supportive. He helps to keep me on track when I start wandering aimlessly. The blockages, and obstacles, have been put there by me. I can put the blame nowhere else. They have been there for many years. They are heavy and burdensome. Maybe soon, with Angus and Fred, I can start.