Broken

I feel broken and thus I have broken my husband and my marriage. At one point this weekend I felt like I was a three year old having a senseless temper tantrum. When Fred asked what was wrong, what I needed, I simply stood with my back against the refrigerator almost stamping my feet crying “I don’t know!” The only thing I do know is that I’m broken.
Sometimes I feel like I am one of those jigsaw puzzles that you try fruitlessly to put together time and time again only realizing in the end that you were missing a piece from the start. Or maybe worse, there is a piece from another puzzle in the mix.
I am and will never be happy. I have heard these words from many people throughout my life. I do believe they are right. Nothing can be simple in my head. Be in the moment. Be happy with what you have. Look at how lucky you are. Trust me, I’ve read enough self help books and I wish I could. If and when I get close to that point I find myself bored and complacent. Then my mind starts in. When I have too much idle time in my head…it’s not a good thing. “What’s next” always seems to crop back up and there I go getting into trouble once again.
My husband is a great man. He is a wonderful husband and an even greater dad. He is my best friend. After twenty-one years, he still makes me laugh everyday and still kisses me goodnight every night. He loves me with his whole being. This I know. There is no doubt.
I, on the other hand do not feel worthy. For some reason or another, I have never felt that I am connected completely to anyone or thing. There is a deep hole that I cannot fill. Fred believes that it is because I couldn’t have kids. I’m sure that is a huge part of it.
I sometimes am overwhelmed at the love Fred gives me. I feel so sad, guilty even, that someone can love me as much as he does. Especially when he knows that the void still remains, untouchable.
And so, I believe this weekend, I broke both him and my marriage and I am truly sorry for that. I have no answers. I don’t know where to go for them. I have looked within and I still feel like the three year old who simply doesn’t know.