Today I stand before the door. I am filled with excitement and anticipation. It seems that I've been waiting for this a long time. Two and a half years to be exact. At first I feel alone, but realize that I am not. My spirit guide is with me as he always is. I turn the handle and the door easily opens inward towards the right.
It is dark and it takes eyes a moment to adjust. Before me is a large, almost flat brown stepping stone floating in the air. Beyond the stone seemily nothing, just some small white lights scattered about. Although I didn't quite know what to expect, certainly this is not it. This reminds me (for those of you old enough to remember)of the old Twilight Zone shows with Rod Serling. Remember the door that opened into nowhere? There was only blackness and stars?
I feel the urge to step out onto the stone and as I do, the door seemily falls away behind me. I take a deep breath and try to relax enough to clear my head. Thoughts start to slowly fill my head. "This is your journey" "You are a very powerful being" "You are not alone" "Just ask" "Things are not as they seem" and so on. These are not my thoughts yet they fill my head. Then I realize that as I look at the various lights each one has a different message. Interesting. I also somehow know that these are all next steps in my own journey and I can access these anytime I choose. Kind of like a personal spiritual library of sorts.
I think, where do I start? Seemingly instantly all of the lights form a line in front of me like car lights at night on a busy street. The first light is before me and the words "Start where you are" begin to swim in my head. It feels intoxicating and I smile and think "but of course, how simple".
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Awakening Back to Basics
Before I can move on, I feel that I must review the basics. I must check the foundation for cracks and make any repair necessary. So, what have I learned? What do I believe that I feel that I need to review?
Thoughts are things. I do believe this. I believe that in order to live a peaceful life you must be able to control your thoughts. A tough one for me. My mind is all over the place....always. I could improve on this greatly by being more aware of my thoughts. Catch myself frequently and realize what just went through my mind. Was it good, bad, judgemental, self abusive, etc. I do believe that you create your own world, your own reality. For me, I guess that my thoughts for other people must be warm and inviting and not so much for myself. I realize I have been so focused on my weight going up that it has. I'm going to start thinking about my weight going down and we'll see. Something to think about ....literally.
Intentions. Just as I believe that thoughts are things, I believe that you can create the life that you wish to live along with the friends and things that you desire by simply focusing on them. I believe that if you have bad intentions you live badly. Good intentions, you live well. Your thoughts, your intentions, are manifested into your reality.
Great intentions + UMPH = a wonderful thing.
Matter doesn't matter. I whole heartedly believe in the spirit world. I have never not known spirit around me. Sometimes I'm more comfortable comunicating to them rather than talking to humans here. I believe that spirit want us to be happy and it doesn't matter to them whether we ask for a healing for a loved one or a parking space. I believe that they are there in order to help us through our journey and they are quite happy to help us with whatever our needs happen to be at any particular moment. They just want to be recognized and invited by us to help no matter what. So to them, matter doesn't matter.
Two things. First, if what I'm doing isn't working, stop and rest. Another tough one for me. Patience is not one of my strongest virtues.
I believe though that if I took a step back and the time to stop and rest for a moment I would be better able to see the reason that it's not working. Second, I believe that if what I'm doing isn't working, I should try doing the opposite. It's much easier going with the flow rather than trying to swim against the current, but you have to see it first.
Be bold enough to ask for what want. I do have a hard time with this one. I either feel that I'm not worthy of something, or that it might put someone else out. I was watching my cat the other day while I was petting her. She has absolutely no problem letting me know exactly where she wants me to pet her. She moves her head in order to get exactly what she wants. She is bold enough to let me know what she won't stand for also. I am bold in many ways, maybe I need to let it carry over into my own needs.
Thoughts are things. I do believe this. I believe that in order to live a peaceful life you must be able to control your thoughts. A tough one for me. My mind is all over the place....always. I could improve on this greatly by being more aware of my thoughts. Catch myself frequently and realize what just went through my mind. Was it good, bad, judgemental, self abusive, etc. I do believe that you create your own world, your own reality. For me, I guess that my thoughts for other people must be warm and inviting and not so much for myself. I realize I have been so focused on my weight going up that it has. I'm going to start thinking about my weight going down and we'll see. Something to think about ....literally.
Intentions. Just as I believe that thoughts are things, I believe that you can create the life that you wish to live along with the friends and things that you desire by simply focusing on them. I believe that if you have bad intentions you live badly. Good intentions, you live well. Your thoughts, your intentions, are manifested into your reality.
Great intentions + UMPH = a wonderful thing.
Matter doesn't matter. I whole heartedly believe in the spirit world. I have never not known spirit around me. Sometimes I'm more comfortable comunicating to them rather than talking to humans here. I believe that spirit want us to be happy and it doesn't matter to them whether we ask for a healing for a loved one or a parking space. I believe that they are there in order to help us through our journey and they are quite happy to help us with whatever our needs happen to be at any particular moment. They just want to be recognized and invited by us to help no matter what. So to them, matter doesn't matter.
Two things. First, if what I'm doing isn't working, stop and rest. Another tough one for me. Patience is not one of my strongest virtues.
I believe though that if I took a step back and the time to stop and rest for a moment I would be better able to see the reason that it's not working. Second, I believe that if what I'm doing isn't working, I should try doing the opposite. It's much easier going with the flow rather than trying to swim against the current, but you have to see it first.
Be bold enough to ask for what want. I do have a hard time with this one. I either feel that I'm not worthy of something, or that it might put someone else out. I was watching my cat the other day while I was petting her. She has absolutely no problem letting me know exactly where she wants me to pet her. She moves her head in order to get exactly what she wants. She is bold enough to let me know what she won't stand for also. I am bold in many ways, maybe I need to let it carry over into my own needs.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Thanksgiving
I never knew how much I loved Thanksgiving. I knew I loved things like having family visit, watching football, the smell of turkey cooking and a day off from work. Most of all, though, I have found that I love the laughter.
We are not a serious bunch most of the time. One always ready to catch someone else doing something either they shouldn't, silly or just plain stupid. We are a never ending source of entertainment for each other.
Last night both boys one with a girlfriend, my husband and I went to Chicago Sam's for some wings. By the time the wings were served I noticed that I had already been laughing so much that my cheeks hurt! I think that has to be one of my favorite feelings. To know that everyone loves, respects and feels comfortable enough to goof on each other is priceless to me. And let me tell you, there is also no mercy! After we ate we went outside, stood around and laughed quite a bit more about silly things only to be followed by all returning to our home for more loving bantering. I must say that it was one of the best evenings of my life.
When I woke up this morning, I rolled over and yawned. My cheeks still hurting brought a wonderful feeling to my body and a smile to my face. What a way to start the day. What a way to live. I am oh so thankful for all of them.
We are not a serious bunch most of the time. One always ready to catch someone else doing something either they shouldn't, silly or just plain stupid. We are a never ending source of entertainment for each other.
Last night both boys one with a girlfriend, my husband and I went to Chicago Sam's for some wings. By the time the wings were served I noticed that I had already been laughing so much that my cheeks hurt! I think that has to be one of my favorite feelings. To know that everyone loves, respects and feels comfortable enough to goof on each other is priceless to me. And let me tell you, there is also no mercy! After we ate we went outside, stood around and laughed quite a bit more about silly things only to be followed by all returning to our home for more loving bantering. I must say that it was one of the best evenings of my life.
When I woke up this morning, I rolled over and yawned. My cheeks still hurting brought a wonderful feeling to my body and a smile to my face. What a way to start the day. What a way to live. I am oh so thankful for all of them.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Awakening Day Four
Day four. Two days before Thanksgiving. I had forgotten to set my alarm clock. I woke up and looked at the clock. 2:56am. a little late, but not bad. I usually get up at 2:52am.
After my shower I usually sit and meditate for about twenty minutes before I dress and start my day. The house is quiet and I am excited to begin this morning's meditation. I think "a new day, the door awaits".
I sit, close my eyes and take a big relaxing breath. As I sit here, I find that my mind keeps wandering to things I want to do in the next day or two. Not stressed to do, just do. Again and again I try to settle into my few minutes and each time my mind goes back to organizing my time to get things done. As I sit there, I find myself smiling, knowing all too well this is who I am. I feel happy today and a little more settled than I have recently.
I know the door will open soon. It is settling for me to know where the door is. It is within reach.
After my shower I usually sit and meditate for about twenty minutes before I dress and start my day. The house is quiet and I am excited to begin this morning's meditation. I think "a new day, the door awaits".
I sit, close my eyes and take a big relaxing breath. As I sit here, I find that my mind keeps wandering to things I want to do in the next day or two. Not stressed to do, just do. Again and again I try to settle into my few minutes and each time my mind goes back to organizing my time to get things done. As I sit there, I find myself smiling, knowing all too well this is who I am. I feel happy today and a little more settled than I have recently.
I know the door will open soon. It is settling for me to know where the door is. It is within reach.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Awakening the Power Within. Day Three
I get dressed this morning, kinda. The pants I put on only zip half way up. I secretly thank God that I am only working four hour light duty days because of my back, that way I don't have to move much and should be able to make it through. Then the gym. My first day. I have an appointment with a physical trainer. I have successfully transitioned from physical therapy to home/gym. As I sit here before work I am already horrified and humiliated at what I have become physically. It's going to be an embarrassing event for sure. The words "start where you are" fill my head.
I find myself wondering how far? How far back must I go and how will I know when I get there? I am reminded of a part in Portia De Rossi's book. She is talking about binging and purging. She first starts with eating Cheetos so that when it comes time to purge, she knows from the color of the Cheetos that she has gone back all the way. What will my signal be? How will I know when I'm there?
Over the years, I have come up with a meditation that, to me, is a healing meditation. I have always believed that it is to be used to heal me physically. Now I feel that I need it to do more.
I start by walking down a long narrow hallway with a flowing light colored robe on. The building is completely made of stone with little light. As I reach the end of the hallway, it opens up into a room about 12'x 15'. The only light comes from a skylight over a long table near the right rear of the room. I go and lie down on the table. Joiia, a master healer, appears at my right side along with many smaller beings with baskets. Joiia reaches into my body and begins removing all of my organs one by one and placing each one into a basket. Next come the bones, muscles, etc. until there is nothing left but my skin which resembles a jumpsuit of sorts and that is then placed into a basket. Oddly, I feel completely intact and can see as each basket is brought outside and placed into a shallow stream of healing water. As the water runs over and flows through all the parts of my body, all negativity and illness is removed. After a long while, the baskets are carefully removed from the water and placed on a strip of beautiful green grass in the warmth of the sun. The sun now restores, regenerates and rejuvenates all the parts of my body. When it is time, the beings return and one by one return the baskets inside where Joiia awaits to lovingly return me to perfection. I then am covered in a beautiful blanket and am told to rest. I then allow myself to fall into a deep sleep. When I awaken, I feel fresh and clean and with filled with energy.
Emotionally I feel the need to purge. The concept is foreign and unknown to me which frightens me more than I can say, but for the first time I also find myself curious. The cup can only hold so much. When full nothing more can be added. It has to be emptied for more to go in. I find myself at the door ready to turn the handle and see what's on the other side. Just where will it lead....
I find myself wondering how far? How far back must I go and how will I know when I get there? I am reminded of a part in Portia De Rossi's book. She is talking about binging and purging. She first starts with eating Cheetos so that when it comes time to purge, she knows from the color of the Cheetos that she has gone back all the way. What will my signal be? How will I know when I'm there?
Over the years, I have come up with a meditation that, to me, is a healing meditation. I have always believed that it is to be used to heal me physically. Now I feel that I need it to do more.
I start by walking down a long narrow hallway with a flowing light colored robe on. The building is completely made of stone with little light. As I reach the end of the hallway, it opens up into a room about 12'x 15'. The only light comes from a skylight over a long table near the right rear of the room. I go and lie down on the table. Joiia, a master healer, appears at my right side along with many smaller beings with baskets. Joiia reaches into my body and begins removing all of my organs one by one and placing each one into a basket. Next come the bones, muscles, etc. until there is nothing left but my skin which resembles a jumpsuit of sorts and that is then placed into a basket. Oddly, I feel completely intact and can see as each basket is brought outside and placed into a shallow stream of healing water. As the water runs over and flows through all the parts of my body, all negativity and illness is removed. After a long while, the baskets are carefully removed from the water and placed on a strip of beautiful green grass in the warmth of the sun. The sun now restores, regenerates and rejuvenates all the parts of my body. When it is time, the beings return and one by one return the baskets inside where Joiia awaits to lovingly return me to perfection. I then am covered in a beautiful blanket and am told to rest. I then allow myself to fall into a deep sleep. When I awaken, I feel fresh and clean and with filled with energy.
Emotionally I feel the need to purge. The concept is foreign and unknown to me which frightens me more than I can say, but for the first time I also find myself curious. The cup can only hold so much. When full nothing more can be added. It has to be emptied for more to go in. I find myself at the door ready to turn the handle and see what's on the other side. Just where will it lead....
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Awakening of the Power Within
Day One...
The awakening begins....or at least tries to yet again.
I woke up this morning different. So many things within my head trying to formulate. Anyone who knows me knows that, that in and of itself, can be a very scary thing. And besides, who am I to kid myself, every time I believe I have "IT" figured out for me, "IT" changes. I am then back at the beginning without having rested.
These words and name tumble through my head without form. Power within. Joiia. Quiet time. Relax. Rest. Rejuvenate. Reabsorb. Heal. See.
Day Two
Again I wake up to a head filled with many things seemingly not connected, but I know that they must be. Where to start? I put the water on for my first cup of tea for the day and mindlessly step on the scale like all good anorexics do. 202.2 lbs. Numbly I step off the scale feeling as though I deserve this weight. Its the continual stuffing down of everything for the last thirty years. Heaven forbid I let it out. That is weakness. Anorexia is control. Even though I know the bizarreness of this as I write it, and the weight I have allowed myself to become, it does somewhere within me make perfect sense.
The thoughts in my head randomly each pushing for full attention. I must put them to paper in order to somehow make sense in the future. My constant, Fred and thankfulness. Time to purge, emotionally. Portia De Rossi and Cheetos, My first marriage. Weight. Albuquerque. My healing meditation. The plane crash. The boys. There are more, but for now this list will surfice.
And then the thought...No time for this, it's the week of Thanksgiving! The holiday season has begun. The hustle and bustle, the craziness. No time to get everything done! I feel that I can do one of two things. I can begin this process now as it has presented itself to me, regardless of the timing, or I can do as I have been doing all my life. Seemingly forget about me, stuff everything down or lay it aside for when I have more time and fall into the robotics of life. I say it all the time when I realize a few months, or maybe even years have gone by and I haven't reached out to that good friend, "life happens". Well, yeah it does, but is that really a good excuse?
Earlier this week I made mention to a good friend that I feel as though I look like Jabba the Hut when I look in the mirror. Her very powerful response to me was to stop being mean to her friend. And so, maybe regardless of the timing, I start taking care of her friend.
The awakening begins....or at least tries to yet again.
I woke up this morning different. So many things within my head trying to formulate. Anyone who knows me knows that, that in and of itself, can be a very scary thing. And besides, who am I to kid myself, every time I believe I have "IT" figured out for me, "IT" changes. I am then back at the beginning without having rested.
These words and name tumble through my head without form. Power within. Joiia. Quiet time. Relax. Rest. Rejuvenate. Reabsorb. Heal. See.
Day Two
Again I wake up to a head filled with many things seemingly not connected, but I know that they must be. Where to start? I put the water on for my first cup of tea for the day and mindlessly step on the scale like all good anorexics do. 202.2 lbs. Numbly I step off the scale feeling as though I deserve this weight. Its the continual stuffing down of everything for the last thirty years. Heaven forbid I let it out. That is weakness. Anorexia is control. Even though I know the bizarreness of this as I write it, and the weight I have allowed myself to become, it does somewhere within me make perfect sense.
The thoughts in my head randomly each pushing for full attention. I must put them to paper in order to somehow make sense in the future. My constant, Fred and thankfulness. Time to purge, emotionally. Portia De Rossi and Cheetos, My first marriage. Weight. Albuquerque. My healing meditation. The plane crash. The boys. There are more, but for now this list will surfice.
And then the thought...No time for this, it's the week of Thanksgiving! The holiday season has begun. The hustle and bustle, the craziness. No time to get everything done! I feel that I can do one of two things. I can begin this process now as it has presented itself to me, regardless of the timing, or I can do as I have been doing all my life. Seemingly forget about me, stuff everything down or lay it aside for when I have more time and fall into the robotics of life. I say it all the time when I realize a few months, or maybe even years have gone by and I haven't reached out to that good friend, "life happens". Well, yeah it does, but is that really a good excuse?
Earlier this week I made mention to a good friend that I feel as though I look like Jabba the Hut when I look in the mirror. Her very powerful response to me was to stop being mean to her friend. And so, maybe regardless of the timing, I start taking care of her friend.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Recognizing The Power Within Me
Day One...
The awakening begins....or at least tries to yet again.
I woke up this morning different. So many things within my head trying to formulate. Anyone who knows me knows that, that in and of itself, can be a very scary thing. And besides, who am I to kid myself, every time I believe I have "IT" figured out for me "IT" changes. I am then back at the beginning without having rested.
These words and name tumble through my head without form. Power within. Joiia. Quiet time. Relax. Rest. Rejuvenate. Reabsorb. Heal. See.
Day Two
Again I wake up to a head filled with many things seemingly not connected, but I know that they must be. Where to start? I put the water on for my first cup of tea for the day and mindlessly step on the scale like all good anorexics do. 202.2 lbs. Numbly I step off the scale feeling as though I deserve this weight. Its the continual stuffing down of everything for the last thirty years. Heaven forbid I let it out. That is weakness. Anorexia is control. Even though I know the bizarreness of this as I write it, and the weight I have allowed myself to become, it does somewhere within me make perfect sense.
The thoughts in my head randomly each pushing for full attention. I must put them to paper in order to somehow make sense in the future. My constant, Fred and thankfulness. Time to purge, emotionally. Portia De Rossi and Cheetos, My first marriage. Weight. Albuquerque. My healing meditation. The plane crash. The boys. There are more, but for now this list will suffice.
And then the thought...No time for this, it's the week of Thanksgiving! The holiday season has begun. The hustle and bustle, the craziness. No time to get everything done! I feel that I can do one of two things. I can begin this process now as it has presented itself to me, regardless of the timing, or I can do as I have been doing all my life. Seemingly forget about me, stuff everything down or lay it aside for when I have more time and fall into the robotics of life. I say it all the time when I realize a few months, or maybe even years have gone by and I haven't reached out to that good friend, "life happens". Well, yeah it does, but is that really a good excuse?
Earlier this week I made mention to a good friend that I feel as though I look like Jabba the Hut when I look in the mirror. Her very powerful response to me was to stop being mean to her friend. And so, maybe regardless of the timing, I start taking care of her friend.
The awakening begins....or at least tries to yet again.
I woke up this morning different. So many things within my head trying to formulate. Anyone who knows me knows that, that in and of itself, can be a very scary thing. And besides, who am I to kid myself, every time I believe I have "IT" figured out for me "IT" changes. I am then back at the beginning without having rested.
These words and name tumble through my head without form. Power within. Joiia. Quiet time. Relax. Rest. Rejuvenate. Reabsorb. Heal. See.
Day Two
Again I wake up to a head filled with many things seemingly not connected, but I know that they must be. Where to start? I put the water on for my first cup of tea for the day and mindlessly step on the scale like all good anorexics do. 202.2 lbs. Numbly I step off the scale feeling as though I deserve this weight. Its the continual stuffing down of everything for the last thirty years. Heaven forbid I let it out. That is weakness. Anorexia is control. Even though I know the bizarreness of this as I write it, and the weight I have allowed myself to become, it does somewhere within me make perfect sense.
The thoughts in my head randomly each pushing for full attention. I must put them to paper in order to somehow make sense in the future. My constant, Fred and thankfulness. Time to purge, emotionally. Portia De Rossi and Cheetos, My first marriage. Weight. Albuquerque. My healing meditation. The plane crash. The boys. There are more, but for now this list will suffice.
And then the thought...No time for this, it's the week of Thanksgiving! The holiday season has begun. The hustle and bustle, the craziness. No time to get everything done! I feel that I can do one of two things. I can begin this process now as it has presented itself to me, regardless of the timing, or I can do as I have been doing all my life. Seemingly forget about me, stuff everything down or lay it aside for when I have more time and fall into the robotics of life. I say it all the time when I realize a few months, or maybe even years have gone by and I haven't reached out to that good friend, "life happens". Well, yeah it does, but is that really a good excuse?
Earlier this week I made mention to a good friend that I feel as though I look like Jabba the Hut when I look in the mirror. Her very powerful response to me was to stop being mean to her friend. And so, maybe regardless of the timing, I start taking care of her friend.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Control Freak Outta Control
It's been awhile since I've been here. Wish I could say that I've figured things out and am on my way to finishing my life happy and healthy. Not so. Still floundering. Still feeling as though I'm sinking into a dark abyss.
Let me catch you up. June 3rd I hurt my back at work. Up until last week I have been mostly out of work. I now do half days. 5 - 9 am. The first couple of months I was hurting too much and couldn't sit at the computer to write. Then came the various drugs and I didn't much care. Muscle relaxants, anti inflammatories, steroids and such which helped me to get comfortable, relax and clouded my mind. The injury has caused nerve damage in my lower left leg, ankle, foot and toes. This causes various sensations. Anything from numbness to aches to pins and needles to very painful. I also now have "foot drop" and need a brace to keep my foot up so I don't fall as I walk.
In case you haven't figured it out yet. I am a control freak. I am also a control freak that feels totally out of control. Very unsettling and so for my own clarity, I am going to break it down.
Mentally. A couple of things here. I am on a drug called gabapentin for the issues that I am having with the nerve damage in my foot. I just had to increase it. I am feeling very clouded in my thoughts. Can't say I'm liking that. Also, because I feel out of control, everything makes me angry because I can't seem to reel it in. Being back at work arguing everyday with the person that replaced me I find extremely trying. Because of getting hurt, I have been unable to get out and garden. This, the one thing I love to do, that I feel gives me peace of mind, I feel was taken away. That makes me feel violated.
Physically. Many things there right now. The drug makes me feel uncoordinated. I feel like a pinball when I get up in the morning walking down the hall from the bedroom to the kitchen as I bounce off the walls, literally. The brace I wear reminds me that I don't have control over my own body. And then there's my weight issues. I have been binging for the last week (ok, longer than that). A year ago I weighed 164lbs. I weighed 200.8lbs this morning. It's not that I couldn't see it coming. I could, but have been unable to stop it. Hand to mouth. Hand to mouth. Kind of like watching a train wreck happening and knowing that you're not Mighty Mouse in order to stop it. I stand before a mirror and the ugliness overwhelms and depresses me. Being as I am almost 53, gravity is not my friend. The added weight mixed with cellulite and gravitational pull, well unfortunately you get the picture. Again, I am angry with myself. How could I have allowed this to happen? I'm a control freak, remember?
Emotionally. I still feel lost. If you've read any of my earlier blogs you know that is nothing new for me. Except for certain people, I have a hard time connecting to humans. Hell, I can't even fully connect to myself! A good friend recently asked me if I had just allowed myself to stay in bed with a box of Kleenex. No. What an odd concept for me. I couldn't allow myself to do that. Actually, I never remember allowing myself to do that. Even as a child I never remember having one of those meltdowns. Again, I wouldn't be in control. Too scary and at this point, just what might come out? Too overwhelming a thought. Honestly, wouldn't know how to start to do something like that.
Spiritually. Big one for me. Yes, I have my own belief system. No, not conventional by any stretch of the imagination. I thought that this was one place I felt grounded. That was up until a couple of years ago. I do believe that every once in awhile you need to step back and review what your belief system is. What truths you live by. Then, the things that no longer serve you, let them go and find new ones to replace them. This has been, to me, how I would grow. How I felt I would get to the next step in my journey. I have found myself floundering here for a couple of years now. Truths that served my Mom for sixty-five years and me for fifty, not so much right now. I find that scary. I don't know if I'm afraid to see what my new truth might be or honestly, where I might go to begin to look.
And so now, I see that I am in control of absolutely nothing in my life right now. I wonder if I ever was, or have I been kidding myself all these years? Could it be a blessing in disguise? The control freak realizes that she has nothing to hold on to. The control freak needs to let people in her life. The control freak can allow herself to just lay down the reins she has had white knuckled within her grasp for so long, relax, rest.....and be. I wonder....
Let me catch you up. June 3rd I hurt my back at work. Up until last week I have been mostly out of work. I now do half days. 5 - 9 am. The first couple of months I was hurting too much and couldn't sit at the computer to write. Then came the various drugs and I didn't much care. Muscle relaxants, anti inflammatories, steroids and such which helped me to get comfortable, relax and clouded my mind. The injury has caused nerve damage in my lower left leg, ankle, foot and toes. This causes various sensations. Anything from numbness to aches to pins and needles to very painful. I also now have "foot drop" and need a brace to keep my foot up so I don't fall as I walk.
In case you haven't figured it out yet. I am a control freak. I am also a control freak that feels totally out of control. Very unsettling and so for my own clarity, I am going to break it down.
Mentally. A couple of things here. I am on a drug called gabapentin for the issues that I am having with the nerve damage in my foot. I just had to increase it. I am feeling very clouded in my thoughts. Can't say I'm liking that. Also, because I feel out of control, everything makes me angry because I can't seem to reel it in. Being back at work arguing everyday with the person that replaced me I find extremely trying. Because of getting hurt, I have been unable to get out and garden. This, the one thing I love to do, that I feel gives me peace of mind, I feel was taken away. That makes me feel violated.
Physically. Many things there right now. The drug makes me feel uncoordinated. I feel like a pinball when I get up in the morning walking down the hall from the bedroom to the kitchen as I bounce off the walls, literally. The brace I wear reminds me that I don't have control over my own body. And then there's my weight issues. I have been binging for the last week (ok, longer than that). A year ago I weighed 164lbs. I weighed 200.8lbs this morning. It's not that I couldn't see it coming. I could, but have been unable to stop it. Hand to mouth. Hand to mouth. Kind of like watching a train wreck happening and knowing that you're not Mighty Mouse in order to stop it. I stand before a mirror and the ugliness overwhelms and depresses me. Being as I am almost 53, gravity is not my friend. The added weight mixed with cellulite and gravitational pull, well unfortunately you get the picture. Again, I am angry with myself. How could I have allowed this to happen? I'm a control freak, remember?
Emotionally. I still feel lost. If you've read any of my earlier blogs you know that is nothing new for me. Except for certain people, I have a hard time connecting to humans. Hell, I can't even fully connect to myself! A good friend recently asked me if I had just allowed myself to stay in bed with a box of Kleenex. No. What an odd concept for me. I couldn't allow myself to do that. Actually, I never remember allowing myself to do that. Even as a child I never remember having one of those meltdowns. Again, I wouldn't be in control. Too scary and at this point, just what might come out? Too overwhelming a thought. Honestly, wouldn't know how to start to do something like that.
Spiritually. Big one for me. Yes, I have my own belief system. No, not conventional by any stretch of the imagination. I thought that this was one place I felt grounded. That was up until a couple of years ago. I do believe that every once in awhile you need to step back and review what your belief system is. What truths you live by. Then, the things that no longer serve you, let them go and find new ones to replace them. This has been, to me, how I would grow. How I felt I would get to the next step in my journey. I have found myself floundering here for a couple of years now. Truths that served my Mom for sixty-five years and me for fifty, not so much right now. I find that scary. I don't know if I'm afraid to see what my new truth might be or honestly, where I might go to begin to look.
And so now, I see that I am in control of absolutely nothing in my life right now. I wonder if I ever was, or have I been kidding myself all these years? Could it be a blessing in disguise? The control freak realizes that she has nothing to hold on to. The control freak needs to let people in her life. The control freak can allow herself to just lay down the reins she has had white knuckled within her grasp for so long, relax, rest.....and be. I wonder....
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