It's been awhile since I've been here. Wish I could say that I've figured things out and am on my way to finishing my life happy and healthy. Not so. Still floundering. Still feeling as though I'm sinking into a dark abyss.
Let me catch you up. June 3rd I hurt my back at work. Up until last week I have been mostly out of work. I now do half days. 5 - 9 am. The first couple of months I was hurting too much and couldn't sit at the computer to write. Then came the various drugs and I didn't much care. Muscle relaxants, anti inflammatories, steroids and such which helped me to get comfortable, relax and clouded my mind. The injury has caused nerve damage in my lower left leg, ankle, foot and toes. This causes various sensations. Anything from numbness to aches to pins and needles to very painful. I also now have "foot drop" and need a brace to keep my foot up so I don't fall as I walk.
In case you haven't figured it out yet. I am a control freak. I am also a control freak that feels totally out of control. Very unsettling and so for my own clarity, I am going to break it down.
Mentally. A couple of things here. I am on a drug called gabapentin for the issues that I am having with the nerve damage in my foot. I just had to increase it. I am feeling very clouded in my thoughts. Can't say I'm liking that. Also, because I feel out of control, everything makes me angry because I can't seem to reel it in. Being back at work arguing everyday with the person that replaced me I find extremely trying. Because of getting hurt, I have been unable to get out and garden. This, the one thing I love to do, that I feel gives me peace of mind, I feel was taken away. That makes me feel violated.
Physically. Many things there right now. The drug makes me feel uncoordinated. I feel like a pinball when I get up in the morning walking down the hall from the bedroom to the kitchen as I bounce off the walls, literally. The brace I wear reminds me that I don't have control over my own body. And then there's my weight issues. I have been binging for the last week (ok, longer than that). A year ago I weighed 164lbs. I weighed 200.8lbs this morning. It's not that I couldn't see it coming. I could, but have been unable to stop it. Hand to mouth. Hand to mouth. Kind of like watching a train wreck happening and knowing that you're not Mighty Mouse in order to stop it. I stand before a mirror and the ugliness overwhelms and depresses me. Being as I am almost 53, gravity is not my friend. The added weight mixed with cellulite and gravitational pull, well unfortunately you get the picture. Again, I am angry with myself. How could I have allowed this to happen? I'm a control freak, remember?
Emotionally. I still feel lost. If you've read any of my earlier blogs you know that is nothing new for me. Except for certain people, I have a hard time connecting to humans. Hell, I can't even fully connect to myself! A good friend recently asked me if I had just allowed myself to stay in bed with a box of Kleenex. No. What an odd concept for me. I couldn't allow myself to do that. Actually, I never remember allowing myself to do that. Even as a child I never remember having one of those meltdowns. Again, I wouldn't be in control. Too scary and at this point, just what might come out? Too overwhelming a thought. Honestly, wouldn't know how to start to do something like that.
Spiritually. Big one for me. Yes, I have my own belief system. No, not conventional by any stretch of the imagination. I thought that this was one place I felt grounded. That was up until a couple of years ago. I do believe that every once in awhile you need to step back and review what your belief system is. What truths you live by. Then, the things that no longer serve you, let them go and find new ones to replace them. This has been, to me, how I would grow. How I felt I would get to the next step in my journey. I have found myself floundering here for a couple of years now. Truths that served my Mom for sixty-five years and me for fifty, not so much right now. I find that scary. I don't know if I'm afraid to see what my new truth might be or honestly, where I might go to begin to look.
And so now, I see that I am in control of absolutely nothing in my life right now. I wonder if I ever was, or have I been kidding myself all these years? Could it be a blessing in disguise? The control freak realizes that she has nothing to hold on to. The control freak needs to let people in her life. The control freak can allow herself to just lay down the reins she has had white knuckled within her grasp for so long, relax, rest.....and be. I wonder....
Let me catch you up. June 3rd I hurt my back at work. Up until last week I have been mostly out of work. I now do half days. 5 - 9 am. The first couple of months I was hurting too much and couldn't sit at the computer to write. Then came the various drugs and I didn't much care. Muscle relaxants, anti inflammatories, steroids and such which helped me to get comfortable, relax and clouded my mind. The injury has caused nerve damage in my lower left leg, ankle, foot and toes. This causes various sensations. Anything from numbness to aches to pins and needles to very painful. I also now have "foot drop" and need a brace to keep my foot up so I don't fall as I walk.
In case you haven't figured it out yet. I am a control freak. I am also a control freak that feels totally out of control. Very unsettling and so for my own clarity, I am going to break it down.
Mentally. A couple of things here. I am on a drug called gabapentin for the issues that I am having with the nerve damage in my foot. I just had to increase it. I am feeling very clouded in my thoughts. Can't say I'm liking that. Also, because I feel out of control, everything makes me angry because I can't seem to reel it in. Being back at work arguing everyday with the person that replaced me I find extremely trying. Because of getting hurt, I have been unable to get out and garden. This, the one thing I love to do, that I feel gives me peace of mind, I feel was taken away. That makes me feel violated.
Physically. Many things there right now. The drug makes me feel uncoordinated. I feel like a pinball when I get up in the morning walking down the hall from the bedroom to the kitchen as I bounce off the walls, literally. The brace I wear reminds me that I don't have control over my own body. And then there's my weight issues. I have been binging for the last week (ok, longer than that). A year ago I weighed 164lbs. I weighed 200.8lbs this morning. It's not that I couldn't see it coming. I could, but have been unable to stop it. Hand to mouth. Hand to mouth. Kind of like watching a train wreck happening and knowing that you're not Mighty Mouse in order to stop it. I stand before a mirror and the ugliness overwhelms and depresses me. Being as I am almost 53, gravity is not my friend. The added weight mixed with cellulite and gravitational pull, well unfortunately you get the picture. Again, I am angry with myself. How could I have allowed this to happen? I'm a control freak, remember?
Emotionally. I still feel lost. If you've read any of my earlier blogs you know that is nothing new for me. Except for certain people, I have a hard time connecting to humans. Hell, I can't even fully connect to myself! A good friend recently asked me if I had just allowed myself to stay in bed with a box of Kleenex. No. What an odd concept for me. I couldn't allow myself to do that. Actually, I never remember allowing myself to do that. Even as a child I never remember having one of those meltdowns. Again, I wouldn't be in control. Too scary and at this point, just what might come out? Too overwhelming a thought. Honestly, wouldn't know how to start to do something like that.
Spiritually. Big one for me. Yes, I have my own belief system. No, not conventional by any stretch of the imagination. I thought that this was one place I felt grounded. That was up until a couple of years ago. I do believe that every once in awhile you need to step back and review what your belief system is. What truths you live by. Then, the things that no longer serve you, let them go and find new ones to replace them. This has been, to me, how I would grow. How I felt I would get to the next step in my journey. I have found myself floundering here for a couple of years now. Truths that served my Mom for sixty-five years and me for fifty, not so much right now. I find that scary. I don't know if I'm afraid to see what my new truth might be or honestly, where I might go to begin to look.
And so now, I see that I am in control of absolutely nothing in my life right now. I wonder if I ever was, or have I been kidding myself all these years? Could it be a blessing in disguise? The control freak realizes that she has nothing to hold on to. The control freak needs to let people in her life. The control freak can allow herself to just lay down the reins she has had white knuckled within her grasp for so long, relax, rest.....and be. I wonder....
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