I get dressed this morning, kinda. The pants I put on only zip half way up. I secretly thank God that I am only working four hour light duty days because of my back, that way I don't have to move much and should be able to make it through. Then the gym. My first day. I have an appointment with a physical trainer. I have successfully transitioned from physical therapy to home/gym. As I sit here before work I am already horrified and humiliated at what I have become physically. It's going to be an embarrassing event for sure. The words "start where you are" fill my head.
I find myself wondering how far? How far back must I go and how will I know when I get there? I am reminded of a part in Portia De Rossi's book. She is talking about binging and purging. She first starts with eating Cheetos so that when it comes time to purge, she knows from the color of the Cheetos that she has gone back all the way. What will my signal be? How will I know when I'm there?
Over the years, I have come up with a meditation that, to me, is a healing meditation. I have always believed that it is to be used to heal me physically. Now I feel that I need it to do more.
I start by walking down a long narrow hallway with a flowing light colored robe on. The building is completely made of stone with little light. As I reach the end of the hallway, it opens up into a room about 12'x 15'. The only light comes from a skylight over a long table near the right rear of the room. I go and lie down on the table. Joiia, a master healer, appears at my right side along with many smaller beings with baskets. Joiia reaches into my body and begins removing all of my organs one by one and placing each one into a basket. Next come the bones, muscles, etc. until there is nothing left but my skin which resembles a jumpsuit of sorts and that is then placed into a basket. Oddly, I feel completely intact and can see as each basket is brought outside and placed into a shallow stream of healing water. As the water runs over and flows through all the parts of my body, all negativity and illness is removed. After a long while, the baskets are carefully removed from the water and placed on a strip of beautiful green grass in the warmth of the sun. The sun now restores, regenerates and rejuvenates all the parts of my body. When it is time, the beings return and one by one return the baskets inside where Joiia awaits to lovingly return me to perfection. I then am covered in a beautiful blanket and am told to rest. I then allow myself to fall into a deep sleep. When I awaken, I feel fresh and clean and with filled with energy.
Emotionally I feel the need to purge. The concept is foreign and unknown to me which frightens me more than I can say, but for the first time I also find myself curious. The cup can only hold so much. When full nothing more can be added. It has to be emptied for more to go in. I find myself at the door ready to turn the handle and see what's on the other side. Just where will it lead....
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